Throwback Thursday - June 19, 2009

Brandon 6-19-2009

Awe look at my little Brandon. This picture was 5 years ago today. It's hard to believe that this tiny little baby is the same rambunctious 5 year old that runs around my house. The same kid that is starting Kindergarten in September. 

Even though I didn't plan on having another preemie baby, I saved the preemie clothes anyway. Back when Brandon was born, there was a very small selection of preemie clothes. Now it seems that everything comes in a preemie size. Those preemie clothes seemed to fit Brandon forever. And now they are all small on Ryan, even though Ryan is only slightly bigger that Brandon was at the time. 

Which brings me to why I chose this picture. I often have a hard time remembering just how tiny Brandon was. I hold Ryan a think to myself, I don't remember Brandon being so small. But he was. The picture proves it. I don't know how I ever figured out how to care for something so tiny and fragile. 

Just Like Riding a Bike...Right?

Although yesterday was Friday the 13th, a full moon AND the weather was crap, it was a great day. Our newest little addition to the family was coming home. He spent 17 days in the NICU. Was that all it really was? Hmmm, seemed longer. 

After Ryan was born, I found that I was constantly doubting myself and my abilities to once again care for someone so tiny. It's been 5 years!! I was constantly told, "it's like riding a bike, it all comes back to you". But would it really? I spent that 17 days only getting to feed him twice a day. I got told when to check his temperature and change his diaper. Reporting on the contents of his diaper and changing his shirt. I had to work around wires and when I held him, he was still connected to those wires. 

I thought I knew what to expect, after all I had done this before. Sleep him on his back, no loose bedding, toys or stuffed animals in the crib. Always leave them secure in the carseat while the car is in motion, duh. Swaddle with his arms out. Wait...now it's arms out? What else was I forgetting, what else had they changed. 

Once our discharge was complete, we were on our way. No more of some one else's rules, no more monitors and no more wires. PANIC! Those wires were my security, they let me know that he was okay. As the nurse peeled the leads off, well, let's just say, I was on the verge of tears. But again, it was just like riding a bike, right?

Ryan's First Car Ride

In the hospital, I rarely heard him cry. He was always sleeping so soundly. Alright, maybe this wasn't so bad. Then we came home and I was on my own. ON. MY. OWN. I thought I knew what I was doing, until I changed his first diaper in the middle of the night. I had to heat the bottle while he was crying, get the cloth ready to clean him, vaseline on the gauze, change his clothes. He was squirmy, so so squirmy and it was pretty dark. I tried to keep Ryan calm and quiet. I kept telling him that it was our first night and we would get it, we'd understand each other. Then we woke the whole house up. Brandon started calling for me, my husband woke up to console him. Cause I, of course, can't be in 2 places at once. Another thought that never crossed my mind, what happens when they both need me at the exact same time?

I woke up this morning exhausted. If I slept 2 hours combined, well, I'm giving myself a lot of credit. I kept looking into his bassinet making sure he was okay. I was cleaning spit-up from his mouth and clothes. I felt just a little defeated. 

Then we went through another feeding this morning and it was better. It was just like the hospital...calm, peaceful, controlled. Then another feeding, less crying going through the changing process. And I felt better in control. 

Would I agree that it is just like riding a bike? Probably not. Let's face it, the last time I hopped on this bike, the ride was missing passengers and the bike was much younger. But I do think things come back to you. You get comfortable again being a mom and having more people to care for. Would I trade it, nope, but I have learned the cliche phrase to NEVER tell my friends having baby #2. Cause the second time isn't anything like the first. 

Throwback Thursday - April 3, 2014

It wasn't until recently, and by recently I mean like last Thursday, that I jumped on the Throwback Thursday (#TBT) bandwagon on Facebook. I enjoy seeing all the gems that others post, tagging people that they have reconnected with from their past or others that they have remained friends with all along.

I honestly didn't even go into today thinking about what picture I might post. But as I sat at my dining room table going through mementoes from when my son was born nearly 5 years ago, I came across a picture that when it was taken, I didn't realize that one day, I'd treasure it so much.

                                                          Aunt Barbara and Brandon

This is my dear Aunt Barbara meeting her great nephew for the first time. She passed away last August and the void that has left in all of us in indescribable.

But on this particular day, she was so excited to see him and hold him. Her and my Uncle never did have kids of their own, but all their nieces and nephews were like their own. She loved us like a mother would and was so immensely proud of everything that we did. She bragged about us to her friends and co-workers, called for every birthday. She celebrated all the special moments in all our lives. She was one of the most thoughtful and kind people I have had the honor of knowing.

I remember on that day that we couldn't get down to the nursery fast enough for her. She was so excited she was practically shaking. She took a bunch of pictures that day and put them into a little album for me.

The beach was always her favorite place to be and she was thrilled that my room had a beach view. So thrilled that one of those pictures is a view of the beach from my hospital room window.

This picture and the album she made me are something that I will always treasure. I miss her dearly, but I know that she is with all of us, always.