Throwback Thursday - June 19, 2009

Brandon 6-19-2009

Awe look at my little Brandon. This picture was 5 years ago today. It's hard to believe that this tiny little baby is the same rambunctious 5 year old that runs around my house. The same kid that is starting Kindergarten in September. 

Even though I didn't plan on having another preemie baby, I saved the preemie clothes anyway. Back when Brandon was born, there was a very small selection of preemie clothes. Now it seems that everything comes in a preemie size. Those preemie clothes seemed to fit Brandon forever. And now they are all small on Ryan, even though Ryan is only slightly bigger that Brandon was at the time. 

Which brings me to why I chose this picture. I often have a hard time remembering just how tiny Brandon was. I hold Ryan a think to myself, I don't remember Brandon being so small. But he was. The picture proves it. I don't know how I ever figured out how to care for something so tiny and fragile. 

A NICU Mom

Brandon

Ryan

As Moms, we've all been new. We've doubted our abilities as good moms. We rejoice in our baby's every milestone. We learn and we have personal victories and an equal amount of failures. We've all sat there and said, "I can't believe that's my baby. I made that".

But NICU moms are different. We have a camaraderie that I have seldom seen in non-NICU moms. We've gone to war and come back a different person. We swap stories proudly but can empathize with each other. I mean really, truly feel with them in that moment. 

NICU moms never know the joys of lying our babies on our bare chest moments after birth. We'll never share a hospital room. We will never know what it's like to be wheeled out of the hospital while Daddy carries the infant car seat out the doors to begin your life as a family. 

No. Our experience is much different than a non-NICU mom. And as I speak to other NICU moms, I learn we all have similar stories. Our bodies, the bodies that were created to conceive and grow new life, fails us.  

We understand the enormity of milestones. While an ounce in weight gain may seem less than spectacular to a non-NICU mom, to us an ounce can make the difference in your baby moving one step closer to home or not. A 3ml increase in intake is always a huge deal. 

NICU moms become accustomed to the dings, bings and beeps of the monitors. We know the ranges of heart rate, respiratory rate and oxygen saturation. We know what oxygen saturation is and why it's important. We become experts in our baby's medical treatment. 

We change diapers amidst wires. We do this while changing our babies in what can only be described as a salad bar. Hoping and praying the wires don't land in the dirty diaper. 

We know what it's like to have to ask to take your baby out of the isolette. To wait while some one else fixes your baby's bottle. To have someone watching your every move with your own baby. 

We have gone through the emotional torture of leaving the hospital without that little bundle of joy. It's pretty weird, ya know. You walk into a hospital one day, and there's this little person growing inside you. A little person that only you know. You know his kicks, his rolls and even his sleep patterns. He knows what your heart beat sounds like. Then one day you have a baby and leave him behind. Not forever, but you are leaving your baby, in someone else's care. We've all experienced the stab in the gut walking into the nursery at home and staring at an empty crib, clothes that are waiting to be worn. 

We often become over-protective. In our eyes, those little people living in our house, will always be those fragile little babies. 

The NICU changes you. It changes the woman you are and the Mom you are destined to be. You learn how strong you are capable of being and you learn your breaking point. Do I wish that I would have had my dream birth experience? Of course! But I have learned to embrace my experience and appreciate the woman and mother that it has made me. 

Throwback Thursday - June 12, 2014

Dad's 57th birthday dinner at Benihana

Although this picture isn't too much of a throwback, it only dates back to October 2013, it has become a picture that I hold very close to my heart.

Dad discovered Benihana many many years ago when he was working in Detroit, Michigan. Every year for his birthday, the only thing he wanted was to have dinner at Benihana and we all looked forward to it every year; the food was good and we had a great time together. And each year we took another family photo. We would joke how each year the family grew and soon, we would take up more than one table.

This is the last family photo we ever took. And ironically, we came to realize that it is the only photo of our entire family; all 4 grandsons included. In this photo, my sister-in-law was pregnant with their second child, and this was taken 2 weeks before we found out we were pregnant with our second. So, it is the only photo we will ever have of the entire family.

Looking at these pictures is sometimes hard. We were all so happy, we were all together. We were all smiling. But I am happy that we were able to capture these memories to look back on and remember the wonderful times that we have had and how wonderful of a man my dad was.

I miss him every minute of every day, but I know that he will always be here to watch over us, protect us and guide us, just like he always did. In like, he did everything he did for us and I know he will do that in death as well.

Throwback Thursday - April 3, 2014

It wasn't until recently, and by recently I mean like last Thursday, that I jumped on the Throwback Thursday (#TBT) bandwagon on Facebook. I enjoy seeing all the gems that others post, tagging people that they have reconnected with from their past or others that they have remained friends with all along.

I honestly didn't even go into today thinking about what picture I might post. But as I sat at my dining room table going through mementoes from when my son was born nearly 5 years ago, I came across a picture that when it was taken, I didn't realize that one day, I'd treasure it so much.

                                                          Aunt Barbara and Brandon

This is my dear Aunt Barbara meeting her great nephew for the first time. She passed away last August and the void that has left in all of us in indescribable.

But on this particular day, she was so excited to see him and hold him. Her and my Uncle never did have kids of their own, but all their nieces and nephews were like their own. She loved us like a mother would and was so immensely proud of everything that we did. She bragged about us to her friends and co-workers, called for every birthday. She celebrated all the special moments in all our lives. She was one of the most thoughtful and kind people I have had the honor of knowing.

I remember on that day that we couldn't get down to the nursery fast enough for her. She was so excited she was practically shaking. She took a bunch of pictures that day and put them into a little album for me.

The beach was always her favorite place to be and she was thrilled that my room had a beach view. So thrilled that one of those pictures is a view of the beach from my hospital room window.

This picture and the album she made me are something that I will always treasure. I miss her dearly, but I know that she is with all of us, always.

A Not So Birth Plan

When I was pregnant with Brandon, I never gave too much thought into how I would give birth to him. I always, naively, thought that my water would break, we’d rush to the hospital and I’d give birth to a beautiful little baby boy. Then, I’d get wheeled out of the hospital, baby in my arms and off we’d go, a little happy family.

I never once imagined that he’d be early, except he was, by 7 week. I never once imagined that I’d end up having a C-section and that I would not get to hold him right away or that my first sight of my little boy would be him getting carried upside down across the operating room. Nor did I ever imagine that when I was ready to come home, that I would be wheeled out, empty handed, my little boy remaining in an incubator. I wasn’t prepared to come home and be a mom without my little boy there too. But that is how my not so birth plan went.

I have always accepted the fact that if we were blessed to have another baby, I’d have another C-section. I’d joke that I was okay with never feeling labor pains or risking my water breaking in aisle 5 of the grocery store. I was content. It was what it was.

Then yesterday, while we were watching reruns of Mad About You, I realized how I am really not content with that at all. It was the episode where Paul and Jamie are having their baby. In typical Mad About You humor, there are some funny moments leading up to the reason your watching; to see the birth of their first child. Paul encourages, Jamie pushes and before you know it, out comes this perfect little bundle of baby girl. And to anyone that has had that traditional birth experience, you know that isn’t how it really goes.

But I wouldn’t know. At least not from my own experience.

Cue pregnancy hormones. I start to cry. Now my husband will tell you, I don’t cry at TV. I’m just not one of those people. But here I was sitting on the couch…crying. And it wasn’t until he asked me what was wrong that I stuttered out, “I don’t get to have that”. It was then that I realized how much I was not okay with having another C-section and how much I wanted to have a normal birth experience. I wanted to hold my slimy little baby and look into his eyes and say, “hi, I’m your mommy”.

But I don’t get to have that. And here I am, 5 years later mourning the loss of a chance at a normal birth.

Would I risk it for my own selfish reasons? No. But I will always wonder.